Jump to content
Maniac Muslim Forums
Mo-

Friend zone

Recommended Posts

Oh sweet, story time!

 

Coming into university, I had no significant interactions with girls before. I was taking a mathematics class at the end of my freshmen year, and that's where I met this muslim girl Sana (not real name).

 

She was a hijabi, pretty attractive, shared many of the same classes, and had many similar personal characteristics - at least from first impression. From my freshmen year to my junior year I spent a lot of time with her in class and outside of it. We would frequently text, e-mail, chat, or eat lunch together.

 

At some point, I developed feelings for her and thought it would later become serious with marriage and all. She's muslim, smart, pretty, and funny. But deep inside of me, my instincts told me to slow down and let it play out longer.

 

It wasn't until I saw her hugging random non-muslim/"muslim" guys that I became confused. I thought Sana? I thought we had a serious friendship. That's quite ironic for a modest hijabi to be having such contact.

 

Then one day we were talking about personal problems and there was an emotional moment for her. When consoling her she said "Sal, you are like a brother to me..."

 

What...what the heck?? I'm a brother, that's it? After three years of...

 

I got friend-zoned, hard. It was a slap in the face for me LOL!

 

It was after that moment that I started to see the traits that I did not fancy in her. She always had to be the center of attention, was quick to give snappy responses, and a huge "one-upper." Wow, can't believe my feelings overlooked all of these.

 

No joke, I started watching Nouman Ali Khan videos about gender-relationships and realized our dialogue was past what's modest and necessary. Then slowly I would water down the tone of our conversation one internet chat at a time, eventually limiting it to schoolwork/business matters.

 

I was quite a bitter person after that, as it was the first time ever that I was seriously invested in a girl. Refused talking to females for awhile, and became more critical of them. But over time I saw it was too extreme of a stance and that modesty in conversation was the way to go.

 

It's been quite awhile since we've talked to each other. Typically, I do my best to avoid her. She does the same and I can sense she's bitter for me cutting off communication. However, we recently caught up with each other at a club fair and I realized the only thing I fancied was her looks - nothing more. So it was a good thing I was friend-zoned! :D

 

Can I get a "boom-shockalocka"?

_______________________________

 

What I've learned from that and NAK is that it's impossible to be "friends" with the opposite gender. There's always an attraction.

 

I look back on myself and recognize that it was such a lame, dumb experience. This all happened over a girl? Psshhh...the emotional investments will come back into your face when friend-zoned, or it will lead to something haram.

 

Being attracted to a male/female is natural and interactions are fine. But they should either be for business or be modest enough that there isn't anything implied. That's the moderate and most healthy fashion.

 

I'll be straight. There's one girl I know that's a huge car enthusiast and a beautiful persian girl that sits next to me in class. The attraction is there and you can sense it through body language, dialogue, etc. But my restraint stems from the realization that:

 

1) Deen of the person comes first

2) They party, drink, do funkadelic things

3) My intentions aren't anything "serious", so I'd end up friend-zoning myself

 

Talking to girls happens on the occasion though. I'll ask about opinions on a class, jobs in a field, or about class homework. Sometimes I'll throw in a joke or have a genuine conversation on a topic. But that's all it's restricted to.

 

At one point in my life, I want to devote all of my attention to my future wife. And investing emotion into all these girls isn't fair to her. That is why I understand the reason for modest interactions between male and female. In today's society, that modesty doesn't seem to exist - all part of the struggle.

 

Hopefully I discover a muslim girl that's into cars. I'd buy us both MR2s, a box of tools, and a naan maker so she can fix cars and make dope bread. Dang...life would be awesome

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What I've learned from that and NAK is that it's impossible to be "friends" with the opposite gender. There's always an attraction.

 

Hm...I'm pretty sure your story proves that there isn't always attraction. Ay?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Hm...I'm pretty sure your story proves that there isn't always attraction. Ay?

 

Physical attraction

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Physical attraction

Lawl I'm pretty sure my guy friends from high school would barf if you suggested to them that they were physically attracted to me.

I really do think it is possible for guys and girls to just be friends. We don't develop feelings for every single friend.

If there's a group of ten friends, five male five female, you're saying at some point that everyone one of those guys will develop feelings for every one of those girls and nice versa? Nah man. I don't think so.

 

But I'm glad you learned what you learned.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lawl I'm pretty sure my guy friends from high school would barf if you suggested to them that they were physically attracted to me.

I really do think it is possible for guys and girls to just be friends. We don't develop feelings for every single friend.

If there's a group of ten friends, five male five female, you're saying at some point that everyone one of those guys will develop feelings for every one of those girls and nice versa? Nah man. I don't think so.

 

But I'm glad you learned what you learned.

 

Exposure over time let's your guard down. Words can slip into dialogue causing implications. Emotions can develop, then the inevitable friend zone or haram relationship can result. Obviously this isn't every case, but why take the risk.

 

Im not saying you can't have friends of the opposite gender, but it's about the type of relationship you maintain. Islamically speaking interactions should be concerned around business matters and not much else. I talk to girls about classes, weather, their day etc. but I don't hang out with them on my own time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
If there's a group of ten friends, five male five female, you're saying at some point that everyone one of those guys will develop feelings for every one of those girls and nice versa? Nah man. I don't think so.

 

 

That's a bit naive. Men are naturally attracted to females because that's human nature. Not all those males would fancy all the females, but it wouldn't surprise me if one of the guys found the other attractive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Physical attraction

 

I think you missed my point, Sal. If attraction were inevitable, she would have been attracted to you.

 

I'm guessing if you think back a little bit, to the start of your relationship, you were probably attracted to her to begin with and that's part of the reason you became friends with her. There are plenty of female friends I'm not only not attracted to, but unattracted to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If attraction is inevitable, I don't understand how people who are attracted to both genders are supposed to navigate friendships. Should they just avoid talking to anybody?

 

Desexualized friendships are definitely possible, but the friends have to have a lot of respect for each other for it to work. I have friends I have known for many, many years (pre-marriage), and although they are very attractive physically and intellectually, we've always had too much respect for the friendship and each other to entertain anything dumb and fleeting that would ruin it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Exposure over time let's your guard down. Words can slip into dialogue causing implications. Emotions can develop, then the inevitable friend zone or haram relationship can result. Obviously this isn't every case, but why take the risk.

 

Im not saying you can't have friends of the opposite gender, but it's about the type of relationship you maintain. Islamically speaking interactions should be concerned around business matters and not much else. I talk to girls about classes, weather, their day etc. but I don't hang out with them on my own time.

 

You need to go out more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a friend who wants to be "more than a friend" and he has made this pretty obvious (through actions and behaviours over a period of time). I really don't want anything more than a platonic relationship - how do I make this clear to him, should I start called him 'brother' even though that's a little weird and hopes that he gets the message? Stop hanging out with him? Show him my negative side? Tell him I like women? He is a lot younger than me and should really be chasing girls his own age. Obviously I don't want to hurt him nor ruin our friendship so he needs to be and stay in the friend zone. I'm so confused now after reading this thread. Help relationship experts!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a friend who wants to be "more than a friend" and he has made this pretty obvious (through actions and behaviours over a period of time). I really don't want anything more than a platonic relationship - how do I make this clear to him, should I start called him 'brother' even though that's a little weird and hopes that he gets the message? Stop hanging out with him? Show him my negative side? Tell him I like women? He is a lot younger than me and should really be chasing girls his own age. Obviously I don't want to hurt him nor ruin our friendship so he needs to be and stay in the friend zone. I'm so confused now after reading this thread. Help relationship experts!

 

I'm a relationship expert. Your question has been received and you will have an answer within 24 hrs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

how do I make this clear to him, should I start called him 'brother' even though that's a little weird and hopes that he gets the message? Stop hanging out with him? Show him my negative side? Tell him I like women? He is a lot younger than me and should really be chasing girls his own age. Obviously I don't want to hurt him nor ruin our friendship so he needs to be and stay in the friend zone. I'm so confused now after reading this thread. Help relationship experts!

this might be a crazy idea, but how about telling him straight what needs to be told?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

this might be a crazy idea, but how about telling him straight what needs to be told?

nah that's too crazy. try telling him he's your brother/friend, and add a smile every time. that should unambiguously convey to him you are not interested. if he persists, stop hanging out with him, and if he asks why tell him "it's nothing". that should leave him in no doubt, and will stop him from reading in too much. but if he still persists show him your negative side. that would never ever make him think you are opening up to him in ways you don't open up to others. instead he will be only pushed away. but still, if that doesn't work tell him you are lesbian. we all know lies work wonders and have positive effects, right? but for some weird reason if he still persists, whatever you do, don't hurt him. because he is a man, and we all know men can't be hurt over rejection.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...