Jump to content
Maniac Muslim Forums
Sign in to follow this  
Ame133

Relationship problems

Recommended Posts

Salaam to all

 

I am a 25 year old confused new muslim from Uk. My mum is english and dad is Pakistani. I was never raised as a muslim my dad is just mulim by name. Me and my two brothers were born before my parents got married.

 

Throughout my life i have not practised any religion. I drink, have pre-marital relationships, party every weekend. However since last year i have been reading into my dads religion and have become a muslim.

 

I am trying to bring change but it's extremely difficult. I have been in a relationship with a british pakistani for 6 years. My parents know about him as he quite regularly stays over at mine however his parents know of me and they dont approve. The reason for this is last year my boyfreinds mum and brother caught me and my boyfreibd having sex. He comes from a traditional pakistani family and they are against sex beforemarriage however me and my boyfriend have sex regularly as he mostly stays at mine. I have spoken to my boyfriend about this being haraam and that we should get married however he says his parents would never allow this. I told him a cuple of months ago no more sex until we got married however 3 days later we were in bed together. I have no muslim freinds my dad doesnt think im doing anything wrong and my boyfriend says we should carry on the wY we are.

I am completely confused i dont know where to go or who to turn to some help please

 

 

Im happy to receive emails or private messages

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

walaikum salam,

 

Even if you take religion aspect out of the question, the fact that your boy friend doesn't respect your decision to stop having sex is troubling. Imagine the same question is asked by some one non-muslim. What would you say to them? I think you need to put your foot down and be firm about your preferences and sexual bounderies. And you need to be firm with your boy friend. Pretty much anyone will tell you that if he continues to push you into having sex you need to let him go.

 

Also, him not being able to confront his parents regarding marriage is not a good sign as far as relationships go.

 

As for religious stance, it is without question haraam, regardless who thinks what about extra marital sex. Perhaps you should stop having him at your place and see how things go.

 

This forum is slow nowadays, but I'm sure ladies around here will be happy to talk to you when they see your post. Hopefully you'll find good friends here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you i am so confused i have gried stopping him from coming sround but my parents are no help they think im going through a 'phase' nobody understands my view. Dont get me wrong he hasnt ever forced me and he isnt around just for sex because if that was the case i wouldnt ne posting this here today. The fact is he seems to believe its alrigjt to sleep in the same bed to live together and even have children before marriage he says your dad done it so ehy cant you? We've been through so much i just dont know what to do

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What’d happen if you say "don't come to my room tonight"? Can you expect him not to be there? Can you put your relationship on "hold"?

try talking to your parents in a manner that they understand. With all the extremism happening in the world, maybe they are afraid about your change. But here's the thing. You are 25 and you need some time to figure out personal and spiritual matters.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think at the very least get an Islamic marriage done if you want to stop what you're doing from being haram (it doesn't have to be legally binding until you want to properly get a marriage under the British courts to ensure your rights legally), it only really needs your father to agree to it (but given his track record, no offence, it might be better to have an Imam act as your guardian for the marriage) and his parents needn't be involved. It is really really good you reached out for help, alhamdulilah Allah guided you to Islam. It also seems your boyfriend isn't a practicing Muslim and like your father is Muslim by name only, or just a cultural Muslim, and I am unsure how to advise you on your relationship itself.

 

You'll find a lot of help from the sisters on this forum, they are really wonderful folks. May Allah guide you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What’d happen if you say "don't come to my room tonight"? Can you expect him not to be there? Can you put your relationship on "hold"?

try talking to your parents in a manner that they understand. With all the extremism happening in the world, maybe they are afraid about your change. But here's the thing. You are 25 and you need some time to figure out personal and spiritual matters.

I havent explained myself clearly we are practically living together in the same house as my parents. He stays over furing the week and on the weekend he is at his parents. When i first decided to change i maxe him sleep on the sofa in our room however i become weak and i let him back in my bed. The thing im confused about is am i even a muslim im doing so much sin i still wear revealing dresses i've cut down my alcohol intake alot but I've got no one to texh me anything i dont know any good muslims the only muslims i know are my dad and boyfriend and unfortunately they are the worst example of muslims

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ive moved away from my hometown and i put our relationship on hold however after 3 weeks i ended up calling him over and I was the one to lead him on. It was my idea to go to the bedroom. I cant see myself with anyone else ive been through so much with him and i dont want to end it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think at the very least get an Islamic marriage done if you want to stop what you're doing from being haram (it doesn't have to be legally binding until you want to properly get a marriage under the British courts to ensure your rights legally), it only really needs your father to agree to it (but given his track record, no offence, it might be better to have an Imam act as your guardian for the marriage) and his parents needn't be involved. It is really really good you reached out for help, alhamdulilah Allah guided you to Islam. It also seems your boyfriend isn't a practicing Muslim and like your father is Muslim by name only, or just a cultural Muslim, and I am unsure how to advise you on your relationship itself.

 

You'll find a lot of help from the sisters on this forum, they are really wonderful folks. May Allah guide you.

 

This is the problem he says he will never go behind his parents back. We were apeaking about this earlier tonight. I said how about just hetting nikkah done nobody needs to know and he said i cant do that thats not right he said he wouldnt want to deceive his parents. The issue is he seems to think theres nothing wrong with us sharing the same bed. I havent slept properly for weeks becuase i feel like God is looking down on me in disgust while i lay next to a non mehram evrry night

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I havent explained myself clearly we are practically living together in the same house as my parents. He stays over furing the week and on the weekend he is at his parents. When i first decided to change i maxe him sleep on the sofa in our room however i become weak and i let him back in my bed. The thing im confused about is am i even a muslim im doing so much sin i still wear revealing dresses i've cut down my alcohol intake alot but I've got no one to texh me anything i dont know any good muslims the only muslims i know are my dad and boyfriend and unfortunately they are the worst example of muslims

You are still a Muslim. The fact that you realize that you are sinning is also a good thing. now you can take actions to become a better muslim. no one is saying it is going to be easy or quick journey. prioritize making changes that are easier to do and requires only your contribution. try start praying 5 times a day. cut alcohol down to 0. learn more about Islam and halal and haram. (This forum might be a good place to start)

In the mean time keep working on other stuff such as making your relation with bf a halal one.

 

This is the problem he says he will never go behind his parents back. We were apeaking about this earlier tonight. I said how about just hetting nikkah done nobody needs to know and he said i cant do that thats not right he said he wouldnt want to deceive his parents. The issue is he seems to think theres nothing wrong with us sharing the same bed. I havent slept properly for weeks becuase i feel like God is looking down on me in disgust while i lay next to a non mehram evrry night

does his parents approve him having sex? pretty sure that's not the case. I'm sorry to speak like this about your bf, but come-on, who's he kidding here? You are good enough for him enough to sleep with and live with, but any form of commitment? No, his parents don't approve!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

His parents dont know much about his private life hes told them we are together but they dont know we live together. He is a optometrist he works hard and he has all the qualities i would look for in a future husband. I understand his point of not getting married until his parents agree as his parents have a right over him too.

 

I spoke to him this morning i said we cant live like this any more and i told him ive been posting on this forum and he wasnt too happy. I understand i need to put my foot down but if i end it with him i wouldnt know what to do i dont see myslef being with anybody else

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, maybe it's unfair to focus on the relationship. I guess part of the confusion stems from the fact that you actually love the guy. Perhaps ladies are better equipped to talk about that subject. Btw, where have all the MM ladies gone?

 

 

Where can i go to learn how to pray? Or read the quran?

 

I'll expand more on this later, but a very short answer for now: this depends on where you live mainly. Either you can physically walk into a decent mosque. I'd wait till some one from your geographical area to come up with suggestions. Unfortunately some mosques can be overly judgmental. There are many online resources catered for teaching basic worship of Islam. e.g., http://www.muslimconverts.com/prayer/

There are some relatively newer Muslims on this Forum who have gone through such resources lately. Maybe they can post those resources fresh off the mind? (this is your cue AR).

 

Get a translation of a Quran for now: The best I can think of is https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Study_Quran.html?id=GVSzBgAAQBAJ&hl=en

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×