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Ame133

Relationship problems

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(regarding wanting to learn to pray)

 

The ideal is going to an Islamic center and meeting people, as Haku said. I would advise looking up your area here to see if mosques are nearby. I would only go if it's a big mosque, as they're usually friendly and open (often they'll be called something like "Islamic Society of [city]"). Alternatively, Muslim Student Associations can be great. If you're near a university, check if they have one. Just google the college name and "Muslim Student Association" and see what comes up.

 

If those aren't available, there are some good online resources. I learned to pray using this: http://www.islamicfinder.org/prayer/

What I did was wrote down each of the parts of prayer in big marker letters on paper and placed them on the ground in front of me with directions of what to do. I wrote the Arabic words in English letters and tried to take note of the meanings as well. It will take time, there's no way around that. But prayer is rewarding, and necessary for those wanting to better themselves.

 

You can't master these things all at once, and you might not be able to drop all of your habits that you want to break immediately. I know converts for whom giving up alcohol or dating has been a years-long process. But the benefit is in the struggle and the effort, so may God help you along your spiritual journey and may it be one filled with blessings.

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so why can't he just tell his parents that he wants to get married? he's a grown man with a career and everything. what's the problem? unless he doesn't have any intention of getting married in which case you need to have a serious talk.

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Some people don't believe they have to be married to be committed to someone. But it seems he is saying it's because of parents which I don't know whether to believe or not.

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Some people don't believe they have to be married to be committed to someone. But it seems he is saying it's because of parents which I don't know whether to believe or not.

 

His parents want a traditional Pakistani girl. I am not even an option in their view. Its not just my boyfriend my own parents are saying whats the rush in getting maried so he is getting support from my parents i just dont know how to make everyone understand

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His parents want a traditional Pakistani girl. I am not even an option in their view. Its not just my boyfriend my own parents are saying whats the rush in getting maried so he is getting support from my parents i just dont know how to make everyone understand

this is an emotionally charged issue and very personal to you. however your situation is not that unique. also sorting out this issue in your spiritual journey might be just one of the problems that you might face. However, I think lot of people are choosing to comment only on this issue because some thing doesn't feel right.

 

I am not questioning his sincerity of love towards you, but love alone is not enough. where is this relationship going? You were bound to ask this question sooner or later. Your decision to become muslim only triggered the question to come up now. Does he plan to leave you when his parents find a "good" girl? Does he plan to wear out his parents resolve by refusing marry any other girl? Can your relationship survive 2 months without sex? How about 6 months? Does your parents know how his parents feel?

 

Call me progressive but your opinion is what matters most among all parties. Also you are the one who stand to lose most if any thing goes wrong. Whether other people understand you or not is really not that important.

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If you're not from a traditional family and he's not practicing in the traditional family that he's from, what kind of family are you going to have? Aside from the intense and heady experience of taboo sex, what else do you have in common? What does he gain from a marriage to you? He will be losing his family, though you may not. And dudes, that is, us of the male persuasion, often will not buy the cow if the milks free...

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ws salaams,

 

I don't know how much more I can add onto this because the other guys have made some strong points already. Props to you for making a change though. Its not going to be easy but if you set yourself to it then you will get there.

 

Have you thought about making a list of the things you want to change in your life, lifestyle and co? It could help make the transition easier, like goal setting, achieve small goals first that will take you on to achieving the goal at large.

 

I would think a serious sit down with your parents to explain your decision is needed. Where you can explain yourself and how you feel and that you would like their support and then to hear what they have to say as well. If they are not practising as you say, this change may be scary or weary for them and is also a reason they may not take it seriously thinking it is nothing more than a phase. If they still refuse to support you in your decision and do not understand then you have think hard about what you are going to do. Are you able to move to move out and get a place of your own or rent with someone? What is your situation financially? Are you working?

 

As for this guy, I'm sorry but it does sound like he is just around for the sex. I see no reason why he can't marry you. He seems to be using his parents as an excuse. He does not seem to respect your decision to not have sex. He may not have forced you to have sex but he did not stop you either after you told that you wanted to keep apart. He is using your weakness rather than supporting you. He has already told you that he won't go behind his parents back and since they don't approve do you really think he will go against their wishes in front of them? Likely, he will end up marrying a Pakistani girl that his parents choose and then where will you be left? Guys like these do what their parents want. If he hasn't committed to you and has no foreseeable plans to commit to you then where do you see this heading?

 

I think you need to start thinking about yourself. You want to change and you have been making changes and inshaAllah you will be successful. Think about where this relationship is heading. Is there truly the option of marriage at some stage? If not, then are you realistically going to continue in a relationship that is going nowhere? You're young and there is no reason to not end this relationship. You can find somebody else when you are on a path you are happy with and comfortable with. I suggest praying about it everyday. I'm not talking salaah/ namaz here, I mean just a talk with Allah, telling him how you feel and asking Him for guidance, to help you and give you the strength that you need. Pour your heart out to Him and He will help you.

 

What the guys said about finding a community, thats important yo. Find a masjid or Islamic Centre where you can go and talk to other Muslims and sort of immerse yourself in the religion with other people. It helps to be around others and it gives you the motivation that you need. And then you have us here, we're always willing to help someone out.

 

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Salaam Ame,

 

Seeing as you are 25, I will assume your boyfriend is the same age and so I'll be blunt: get the hell AWAY from any grown man who, despite having financial independence, doesn't have the balls to tell his parents he's found the woman he wants to get married to and does his best to make it happen. The fact he's still coming round to yours for sex tells you clearly where you are in his priorities - good enough to sleep with and not good enough to marry, despite your wishes. I get the impression that even he believes sex outside of marriage of wrong, yet he still continues to do it. Do you know why? Despite the fact he may genuinely like you as a person, love you even etc etc, fundamentally you are the easy option. He will marry who his parents select for him.

 

And I don't mean this as an attack on you, but I have to say - after you broke it off for 3 weeks and you called him back and restarted the physical relationship, this, IMO is a sign of immaturity. Maybe you missed him, you missed the attention, you missed the physical relationship, but a true partner is your strength, not your weakness. He can see that you are trying to become more religious, and he should be assisting you with your growth and wanting the best for you. He should not be happy with this situation as he can see you are so unhappy. But he wants it to continue regardless.

 

Again, really not trying to be horrible about this, but to me it sounds like you two need a break, a REAL break, so you can work things out on your own terms, and not with other people with vested interests influencing your emotions. Focus on another goal in your life apart from marriage - learning to pray, tajweed, or a career etc. Build a community of like-minded people who will help you achieve your goals.

 

You said in your first post that your bf told you his parents would never allow his marriage to you. He's said this clearly. Accept that this means your wishes and his are irreconcilable (and do you really want to be with someone who could never stand up for you anyway even if you did get married?).

 

In 99% of cases, if his parent's wishes are so important to him then he WILL eventually marry who they want. It will not be you.

 

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you - 6 years is a good chunk of your life at 25. Insha allah I hope that things work out for the best.

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