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S.W

Hemoshtional intelligence

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There is also a type of emotional intelligence which is superficial and manipulative. One aspect of that is what is known as "cognitive empathy" (even many psychopaths have this type of empathy), which is merely a kind of understanding of others' feelings and knowing how to react in the appropriate manner, but at a deeper, emotional level, you actually have little empathy compared to what you show on the outside. This may be advantageous for improving your performance at your work and personal life, but it is also exploitative and too much self-oriented. Real empathy, on the other hand, is more automatic and sincere.

 

So the question is, what kind of emotional intelligence are you interested to work on, S.W.? I ask that because in the other thread you wrote:

 

"I like the idea of not empathising with others and being more logical/methodical/cunning rather than emotional/soft."

 

If that's your stance on empathizing with others, then I get the impression that now you trying to improve your emotional intelligence (empathy being a big part of it) only at a superficial level just so that you can manipulate others and be more successful in life. Is that true?

 

Lol, no I don't really care for manipulating people into becoming more successful because I don't think my success is dependant on getting people to do what I want them to do.

 

The context for the statement you quoted was me wanting the ability to empathise in proportion to the situation so it's more logical, rather than overly emotional. For example certain things you read in the news/wordly affairs, some things bother me so deeply I end up trying to block it altogether which isn't very productive. So I wanted to be able to empathise to a limited point where I can care and still do something about it, rather than get too emotional and end up avoiding it altogether.

 

Now, there's this person I met through work, incredible dude. He lost both his parents a few months back and I've been wanting to write to him for a while but I always end up leaving it, someone else's brother died and I didn't acknowledge it at all. It's not that I don't care or that I don't want people to be comforted, because I really do but I just don't know how to do these things.

 

Not long ago my mums dad passed away and I only one or two friends, not the rest because I don't like the drama that comes every time someone dies, so this is how the convo went:

 

me: mums dad died, funeral is on X.

friend: alot of people are dieing these days

me: lol true.

 

and that was it. And I didn't need any excessive consoling/comforting/prayers, it was just a 'ok this has happened, you have been notified, onward and upwards now'. I prefer this style of communicating, but as an adult I should know how to (be emotionally intelligent enough) to console and comfort people.

 

I don't know if this makes me a psychopath, or emotionally unintelligent, I dunno lol. Death is just one example, there are so many more examples I could give you where I know my actions weren't the smartest move and I only realised that afterwards, so I guess I'm trying to teach myself a little tact. During work, when management have asked for my opinion I've always been very blunt and said it how it is, but later learned that there's an art on how to communicate effectively but I still don't care enough to use it because I don't need to mince my words here. Maybe in a different situation/workplace I will need to, so it's better to learn how now.

 

Does this make sense?

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While we are attacking sw - I think sometimes when your being nice and compliment people it can come across condescending

 

I don't feel attacked.

If the bold part has something to do with the article then I was genuinely shocked that you would do something to help me, lol maybe once i have higher EQ I can compliment people in a better way.

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I think a thing that should be mentioned is that EQ isn't about "feeling" what another feels. Or even understanding the feeling they're having. It's about understanding ones own emotional state and how it affects a situation. It's about understanding not mimicry. For example; a troll comes on MM cause Haku is taking a nap. He insults the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). We become...What? Angry? Vengeful? Sad? We react. A whole town insulted him to his face. They threw rocks and shoes and kids at him. Well, not kids. They did give the kids permission to harass him though. He didn't blame them. He didn't blame Allah(swt). He took responsibility and prayed. Sometime later he took that village and never punished them. Emotional intelligence allows one to make decisions based on logic because it allows one to divorce oneself, emotionally, from the problem.

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The context for the statement you quoted was me wanting the ability to empathise in proportion to the situation so it's more logical, rather than overly emotional. For example certain things you read in the news/wordly affairs, some things bother me so deeply I end up trying to block it altogether which isn't very productive. So I wanted to be able to empathise to a limited point where I can care and still do something about it, rather than get too emotional and end up avoiding it altogether.

 

Then you shouldn't say that you want to be like sociopaths (or psychopaths), because sociopaths and psychopaths are much more emotionally corrupt than that. I mean, you said that you do want to empathize to some extent but not be overly emotional, which sounds like a fair and a normal thing to want. There's no need to be a sociopath for that.

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I think a thing that should be mentioned is that EQ isn't about "feeling" what another feels. Or even understanding the feeling they're having. It's about understanding ones own emotional state and how it affects a situation. It's about understanding not mimicry. For example; a troll comes on MM cause Haku is taking a nap. He insults the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). We become...What? Angry? Vengeful? Sad? We react. A whole town insulted him to his face. They threw rocks and shoes and kids at him. Well, not kids. They did give the kids permission to harass him though. He didn't blame them. He didn't blame Allah(swt). He took responsibility and prayed. Sometime later he took that village and never punished them. Emotional intelligence allows one to make decisions based on logic because it allows one to divorce oneself, emotionally, from the problem.

 

That is certainly a huge and vital component of EQ, but I don't think we should limit EQ to just that. It's probably more extensive and multi-faceted than that, because the emotional states of one another can influence each other - they exist within a 'matrix' if you will - so it is important to understand other peoples' feelings, too. In that regard I think that being aware and sensitive to one's own emotional state is not disconnected from the sensitivity to the emotional states of others; rather, the two interact and they reinforce each other.

 

The story you mentioned about the Prophet (SAW) doesn't necessarily imply that he "divorced" himself from the problem emotionally. It was pure forgiveness, and forgiveness itself is a type of emotion (coupled with empathy, concern, and other positive emotions), combined with decisions based on logic. So, like that, sometimes you can combine both emotion and logic. Your last sentence implies that you have to isolate them in order for logic to prevail, but that isn't always true.

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No, it's never just that. It's certainly complex. We do have the ability to increase our compassion, empathy and trust, so it's on a sliding scale too. Forgiveness? I can see that. I see primarily responsibility. That is, to use a current phrase, ownership.

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No, it's never just that. It's certainly complex. We do have the ability to increase our compassion, empathy and trust, so it's on a sliding scale too.

 

So you agree that EQ also includes understanding how others feel?

 

Forgiveness? I can see that. I see primarily responsibility. That is, to use a current phrase, ownership.

 

Forgiveness as responsibility and ownership to me sounds more like the Christian concept of forgiveness, i.e. Jesus (pbuh) taking the responsibility of everyone's sins and absolving them through sacrifice.

 

If you meant to say that forgiving others is a responsibility, then I can agree. But I'm not sure what the "ownership" is supposed to mean here ... like, we have to take ownership of other peoples' sins in order to forgive? Not sure how that works.

 

I'd rather not describe forgivness with those terms anyway.

 

To me, forgiveness is more a combination of emaan, patience, and emotional intelligence.

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Wow. alright, then to the first; yes I agree. To the second, what? No. The only forgiveness is Allah's swt, no ones responsibility. What I meant, is the Prophet ( pbuh) took responsibility for the situation first, praying for his own forgiveness first

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I suppose I shouldn't refer to anything Islamic, as it will always be perceived as Christian somehow. The thing is I can't always tell

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I suppose I shouldn't refer to anything Islamic, as it will always be perceived as Christian somehow. The thing is I can't always tell

No, I think you should refer to anything Islamic you feel is appropriate. When people aren't being pedants (ahem!), it's very clear what you are getting at. And yes x 1 million re: ownership. It is almost the opposite of this entitlement mindset many Millennials carry these days.

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Ownership of the situation - like 'my duty to act like the big man/adult here' and act appropriately? i get that.

 

Thanks AR for your explanation.

 

Thanks Spider for your reply to my post.

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I suppose I shouldn't refer to anything Islamic, as it will always be perceived as Christian somehow. The thing is I can't always tell

just ignore spider and keep posting

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To the second, what? No. The only forgiveness is Allah's swt, no ones responsibility. What I meant, is the Prophet ( pbuh) took responsibility for the situation first, praying for his own forgiveness first

 

That makes sense now.

 

I didn't understand your earlier post because you just threw in the words "responsibility" and "ownership," so it was kind of vague in my mind.

 

I agree that only Allah has ownership of mercy.

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BTW, I was referring to the kind of forgiveness that we humans are capable of - i.e. not holding grudges, not seeking revenge, and praying to Allah to forgive someone. And, surely, that is our responsibility.

 

Of course, the ultimate forgiveness comes only from Allah.

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