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arranged/"love" marriage

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My philipino colleage when we were discussing this issue actually supported arranged marriage and said they have it too as it leads to a much more stable marriage and less chances of a break-up.

Basically the parents know your character(both the good and bad) and so they can compare with others. Whilst with these "love" marriages you generally tend to not know what the bad side of the other is and thus can't know if you are suitable a match.

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My philipino colleage when we were discussing this issue actually supported arranged marriage and said they have it too as it leads to a much more stable marriage and less chances of a break-up.

Basically the parents know your character(both the good and bad) and so they can compare with others. Whilst with these "love" marriages you generally tend to not know what the bad side of the other is and thus can't know if you are suitable a match.

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It's funny to see how "good marriage" = one that doesn't desolve, to some of you. Have you ever thought that some people can't get OUT of their marriage even though that's what they want? And that is the reaosn why their marriage is "stable"? It's kind of scary that some of you rate a marriage's success on how long it has lasted, not on the essence of it. I don't think any humanbeing should stay in a bad marriage just because it looks good from the outside that you can say you've been married for 50 years. If those 50 years have bad 50 years of agony...sorry, that's a lifetime wasted.

 

 

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Guest Elysia

I was about to comment on that. The length of a marriage WOULD be a good indicator of how stable/good a marriage is, except for the fact that sometimes people stay in marriages because they are too scared to leave, or too worried about what society will think of them. Those variables-extremely prominent-make any judgment rendered on the length of a marriage a little hasty.

 

If only we lived in a world where people tried really hard to make their marriage work, and felt comfortable enough to leave if they absolutely had to. inshAllah, one day.

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Whilst with these "love" marriages you generally tend to not know what the bad side of the other is and thus can't know if you are suitable a match.

Why? Why would extra time with someone, as a lighter "friend" "acquaintance" than a potential spouse, give you a disadvantage to know someone? Plus the decision seems to rely on the parent a lot. Your parents don't want that, they aren't going to be dealing with the spouse. Chances are, after the superficial crap and heresy, they don't know more than you. It's nice that your dad can be a medium and try to pick family members that he knew raised up well and were taught to be successful. Muslim families tend to be bigger, and the ones I have seen are often closer. Your parents can be a great medium this way. The weird or hyperactive cousin(when they were young) could grow up to be great people, and our first impressions might get in the way. Better yet, we might not see the buildup of iman and character that our parents see(raising kids themselves). I agree that this is a better advantage than "getting to know someone before hand". But this includes family pressures. Your parents don't want to be responsible for something they couldn't control, especially something that could ruin family ties and ruin your future. You could be screwed over, and your parents might "force you to ride it out". Add to the introduction of the "person you knew before" and you magically have your parent as a medium. It doesn't matter.

 

If you and your parents have a sane/seriously mindset. And you have plenty of time to get the know the other person/family/situation than you will be fine. Ultimately it's up to Allah. If the other person is lying and none of you(you,family,friends) can see it, it's meant to happen. If the other person will be messed up and you don't' see that, then it would happen either way. In a real situation, it doesn't matter. You should still have plenty of time to get to know the other person and your parents should always be involved. If you have tried your best, and you are taking it with the right intention(the whole point to "sane and serious"), then it's up to Allah. And honestly, who cares how you got to know the person. It's what comes after the initial "lets get married!" stage that defines your choice.

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